Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Potted plants demanded an end to the practice of under-watering and eventual death in every single government office in Egypt.

CAIRO: Roughly 100 potted plants who began a sit-in on the steps of Cairo State Council say they will continue their protest despite intimidation by security bodies.

The plants, a mixture of household and outdoor flowering varieties, are all members of the banned Free Foliage Movement.

The group - which counts some three gazillion members – is accused by the government of terrorist activity.

Speaking during a press conference on moustache-care held in Marina last week Interior Minister Beloved Le Juste said that the group “threatens national security and its propaganda soils Egypt's image abroad.”

Le Juste - who has a well-groomed moustache - said that the Movement's members “form part of a giant cell seeking to overthrow democracy in Egypt. This cell is in itself part of a worldwide movement.”

As evidence, Le Juste pointed to the colour of Palestinian group Hamas' flags (green) which he said “is the colour favoured by these enemies of Egypt's security”.

He also told reporters that intelligence reports have established links between the Movement and members of the Hezbollah group.

“We have pictures showing Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah gently stroking a Poinsettia leaf. Furthermore, when the Rafah crossing was breached in January 2008, palm trees – the movement's militant branch – were seen obstructing Egyptian policemen's ability to shoot at people.”

“These criminals can and will not be allowed to compromise Egypt's sovereign borders,” Le Juste added.

Speaking outside the State Council Movement member Abu Tilon poured scorn on Le Juste's statements.

“Yes, plants won't be allowed to compromise Egypt's national borders - unless Israel wants some nice Gardenias planted at the Taba crossing that is.”

Bahia Absinthifolia, secretary-general of the Movement's women's section, alleges that potted plants are routinely subjected to violations of their rights by members of Egypt's security forces.

“My husband was arrested in a midnight raid in front of our children, one of whom was still sprouting. They threatened to dead-head my husband. He then disappeared for two weeks. I was recently allowed to visit him in Tora Meshtal prison and he was in a terrible condition.

“He and other Movement members have been denied sunlight and adequate watering and kept in the criminals' section. Other prisoners put their cigarettes out in his pot.”

Security forces cracked down on the potted plants when they began to sway their leaves gently in the wind, in time to “Garrab nar el 3'eera” by Warda, the group's spiritual guide.

Police officer general Arse Tourettes El-Teez interrupted his tea drinking and prayer bead manipulation to order journalists to fuck off under threat of being hung, drawn and quartered.

El-Teez was then seen muttering into a mobile phone, after which a large group of plain-clothed thugs arrived, some armed with pruning instruments.

Speaking as she was being dragged away by the police Abu Tilon's wife Dahlia lashed out at the US administration.

“After years of repression, the oppressive Egyptian regime used us to decorate Cairo University for the speech by US president Hajeeb Al-Azaaar. Al-Azaaar was quite happy to wave at us from his flotilla as he went past but remains silent as our rights are brutally abused.”