Mr Useful and the Qatari Channel of Discord

Al-Ahram published one of its gems on Saturday, an article which forgets it is an article and is essentially just a propaganda fax from the control room with a bit of filling in the middle.

It’s written, sort of, in the form of a long speech made by Dr. Mofeed Shehab, minister of legal affairs, except that in the middle it references Shehab himself, and has the feel of a man in a raincoat muttering to himself in the corner of a pub about the rapture.

Here Shehab manages to combine some of Egypt’s favourite bête noires in a long tirade which is ostensibly a response to the iron wall Egypt is building on its border with Gaza.

It’s a bit like when you ask for the Bee Gee’s Saturday Night Fever at a disco, and the DJ decides to get creative and plays a medley of their greatest hits.

I had a laugh reading it and translated some of it. I left out some of the duller parts, as well as a long bullet-point list of the many plots planned by those dastardly Palestinians in the motherland, foiled by our glorious security bodies.

All the stuff outside the square brackets is a translation of what’s written in the ‘article’. Content inside the square brackets is a mixture of Shehab’s thoughts - which I sucked out of his head using my superpowers - and me just saying any old shit.

(And I’m not a professional bloody translator so don’t start).

SHEHAB: THE WORKS ARE TO SECURE OUR BORDER WITH GAZA

During all the crises confronting the Egyptian state, we search for a means of managing national issues in the face of campaigns targeting political decisions, such as what happened two weeks ago in relation to the engineering installations on our eastern borders [GIANT FUCKING UNDERGROUND IRON WALL], the aid convoys and other controversial topics.

Media treatment – and I mean here the television programmes and satellite channels – has disappeared from the scene, and has not performed the full role we want and wish for. It’s true that a large number of Arab satellite channels have been established, at the head of which is of course the Qatari channel of discord [THE DEMONIC AL-JAZEERA] itself, which has installed itself as a sovereign ruler on our land and as usual spread its anti-state and anti-regime poison [AIRED OPINIONS OTHER THAN THOSE HELD BY THE EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT] in order to plant discord and inflame the Egyptian and Arab street with the aim of causing a clash with official institutions [QUESTIONING OF THE OFFICIAL LINE].

It launched its attack on Egypt just as it did during the barbaric attacks on Gaza a year ago. Its programmes, news bulletins, correspondents and guests – well-known and carefully chosen – were all used to attack Egypt and even to cast doubt on its judiciary, as a dishonoured Nasserist [DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS IS?] did while discussing the public prosecutor on the channel of discord last Tuesday. It didn’t of course occur to the presenter Lina Zahreddin to ask him about the extent of the independence of the Egyptian judiciary!!

This presenter and her channel and her bosses didn’t utter a single word in condemnation of the arms, rockets and smart bombs sent to Israel to be used against Gazans from Qatar’s many bases. The channel of discord is an Israeli tool par excellence; it took the news about the Egyptian building works from the Israeli media [ONLY THE EGYPTIAN GOVT IS ALLOWED TO DEAL DIRECTLY WITH ISRAEL, NAMELY IN THE FORM OF CUPS OF TEA AND LAUGHS WITH NETANYAHU] and started formulating its usual conspiracy theories [WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT I AM DOING].

The Egyptian media meanwhile has not performed its role of countering this and presenting the state’s position and plans in full [VOMITING OUT THE PARTY LINE]. It has been unable to answer the doubters and those with interests and agendas who call themselves Arab nationalists. These individuals and their relations and sources of funding must be exposed before public opinion. States bodies have many examples of these individuals. People who support Iran and Hamas at the expense of our nation must be exposed [. There cannot be a single second of doubt that the people of Gaza are not more important that Egyptians. It is true that we stand with Gaza [BEHIND OUR GIANT WALL], but the priority is Egyptians [WHOSE LAST NAME IS MUBARAK].

The armed forces are implementing the engineering installations [BERLIN WALL] in order to improve Egypt’s border with Gaza. It is being carried out as part of a plan aimed at securing Egypt’s borders and ensuring the safety of its land and people [WHO ARE FACED WITH THE TERRIFYING DANGER OF GAZANS BREAKING THROUGH THE BARRIER IN ORDER TO GO SHOPPING]. Dr Mofeed Shehab said that the installations being created by the armed forces is part of its Constitutional responsibility to protect the country and its land and ensure its security.

These installations are not new but rather a continuation of development in this area. Current events gave impetus to them – it is enough to consider what the world witnessed on 23 January 2008 when tens of thousands of Palestinians stormed the Rafah Crossing [AND WENT SHOPPING], and in 2006 when armed men stormed the cement barrier on the border and destroyed a large section of it. I ask all Egyptians and nationalists: do you accept the violation of your country’s sovereignty , and is there a country in the world which leaves its border open to anyone coming and going and abusing it as if we are fair game for anyone?! To anyone with a critical mind or in collusion against their country [QUESTIONING BUILDING A GIANT FUCKING WALL IN ORDER TO DESTROY TUNNELS WHICH PROVIDE BASIC GOODS TO A PEOPLE UNDER SIEGE], I ask: Why do you defend those who kill and blow themselves up in tourist resorts in Sharm El-Sheikh and Taba and Dahab and even El-Azhar [BECAUSE IF YOU ARE AGAINST US YOU SUPPORT TERRORISM. BUSH EL EBN SAID SO].

Those who spread discord and ignite fires forget that Gaza is still under occupation according to the provisions of the 1907 Hague Convention. It has not been liberated and Israel governs everything within it, its ports of entry [WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT SOVEREIGNTY] and movement in and out of it. Individuals looking for revenge against their country close their eyes to the real issue of who is controlling Gaza and refusing conciliation with the people of their country.

They are the real reason – the crossing was fully open until the coup by Hamas against legitimate rule in July 2007 [WHICH IS WHAT THE NDP CALLS ELECTIONS]. Hamas is choking Gaza’s people and Israel is helping it in this. Egypt however has never tarried in its role and has never been late in sending aid across the Rafah Crossing. Goods are piling up in Gaza, especially via the Rafah Crossing and even via the tunnels, and Hamas imposes customs taxes on everything smuggled in and keeps this money for itself [WHEREAS WE JUST STEAL LAPTOPS IN AIRPORTS].

*But why isn’t the Rafah Crossing kept open all the time during the siege of Gaza?

* What is Egypt’s interest in closing the Crossing?

People who pose this question are waiting for an opportunity to attack the country and want people to believe that Egypt is taking part in the siege on Gaza [BECAUSE IF YOU QUESTION US YOU ARE AGAINST US]. Unfortunately everyone who asks this question has an answer for it. They have heavy consciences, they don’t follow God’s will, they violate the truth and mislead public opinion and fabricate [AND STEAL LITTLE GIRL’S SWEETS IN THE PLAYGROUND] for the following reasons:

1. Hamas’ coup is the reason for the closure of the crossings, including the Rafah Crossing.

2. Egypt is committed to not opening the border formally because of the absence of a legitimate authority and, in compliance with the 2005 treaty, in order to protect Palestinian unity and avoid giving Israel the pretext to shirk its obligations in the Strip in its capacity as an occupying power.

3. To stop Israeli ambitions and plans to divide Gaza from the rest of Palestine; Gaza – the West Bank – East Jerusalem.

4. The Rafah Crossing is for people and not goods.

5. Egypt is applying pressure for the other crossings into Gaza controlled by Israel to remain open. Egypt has nothing to do with these crossings and they are: Karem Abu Salem, Erez, Kesoufeem [sp.?], Sufa, Karni and Nahal Oz.

6. The flow of aid through the crossing has not halted and Egypt has facilitated in all ways possible the passage of aid caravans in conformity with the rules set by Egypt.

7. Every country in the world protects its sovereignty and ensures the security of its land in cooperation with its neighbours. No state accepts the infringement of its laws, and it punishes those who do infringe them.

8. The attack on Egypt is organised. Israel was not subject to a similar attack by Arab satellite channels and some politicians and opposition figures when it built its racist wall [AT LEAST NOT HERE IN LA LA LAND]. This places all of these people in the same basket with regional powers who have adopted the inflammatory message against Egypt [DOCTOR THE MONSTERS ARE COMING].

These Egyptian measures are aimed at protecting our interests and our citizens against danger. They are necessarily and most definitely against the interests of Israel, which wants to push Gazans into Sinai where they will become refugees like Palestinians dispersed in several Arab countries and then the story will be over forever [AS HAPPENED OF COURSE WHEN THE ‘TENS OF THOUSANDS’ OF GAZANS STORMED THE BORDER IN 2008].

The media lacked information and the truth as it talked about the French people [THERE WERE ANOTHER 41 NATIONALITIES REPRESENTED IN THE GAZA FREEDOM MARCH BUT I WILL CONVENIENTLY IGNORE THIS] who came to Egypt ostensibly for tourism but who in fact had other motives - going to Gaza [SHOCK HORROR. IS THERE A SPECIFIC VISA FOR ‘GOING TO GAZA’?]. There has been a plan to deceive, and all the media fell for it. Most of these French people were Algerian women carrying French nationality [THIS IS COMPLETE TWADDLE BUT INDULGE ME] who took advantage of the protests for Gaza [TWADDLE DUM TWADDLE DEE]. These Algerian women are carrying the message of the Algerian media from the heart of Cairo [T WORD, AGAIN]. They appealed to human emotion but there was a political aim behind their actions. We all remember what happening in Khartoum and the consequences after the match on November 18 [A LOVELY DISTRACTION FROM HOW CRAP THE GOVERNMENT IS]

In this way Algerian women came to Egypt with French passports and in their hearts they have taken a position against Egypt [EL TWADDALO, AGAIN. IF IT WAS TRUE, IT WOULD AGAIN BE A REMINDER THAT EGYPTIANS AND ALGERIANS REALLY DO HAVE MUCH IN COMMON].

The 3rd lifeline convoy [Viva Palestina] and what happened afterwards is part of this outrageous role. There was never, at any time, an objection to the convoy’s entering Gaza – rather, there was a warm welcome [WARM AS IN STUCK UNDER THE SUN IN AQABA] with faith in Egypt’s role in reducing Palestinian suffering. However, the arrangements for the convoy made since August were carried out without Egypt being supplied with any information [THE REST OF THE WORLD KNEW BUT NEVER MIND]. The Egyptian Foreign Ministry, via its Embassy in London requested the convoy organisers – and at their head George Galloway – for complete coordination, but they carried on as if their entry into Gaza will be against the wises of the Egyptian state, and despite the prior notification that aid will be brought in via the port of El-Arish.

The operation’s organisers took this lightly, and decided to continue their journey via Aqaba demanding that they enter via Nuweiba. They made arrangements with a number of Arab and international media outlets, and corresponded via the Internet [GOSH!] in order to put Egypt under international pressure. The state refused to go back on its position [HEAR US ROAR].