Monday, June 04, 2007

This is my life

Assorted MSN conversations this week

1. A grave undertaking

Mother: Hiya
Amnesiac: Hi
Mother: I haven't got much news apart from wanting you to come home at the earliest possible opportunity
Amnesiac: ?
Mother: I have to go now, there is a programme on telly about Muslim undertakers in London I must watch. You never know when we might need one
Amnesiac: ...
Mother: I'll speak to you in an hour

2. Pilot project

Cousin Mildred: I have the perfect prospect for you!
Amnesiac: who!
Cousin Mildred: he is a pilot.
Amnesiac: does he read books?
Cousin Mildred: Amnesiac reading books is not the most important thing. I will introduce you to him casually in the club when he comes back from NEW YORK
Cousin Mildred: he is tall
Cousin Mildred: with fair skin and dark hair keda
Cousin Mildred: very quiet, very well educated
Amnesiac: I don't think pilots are known to be big book readers. Apart from flight manuals I mean.
Cousin Mildred: very good family and he drives a BMW
Amnesiac: Is it possible to ask him if he reads books beforehand?

3. She can see the train pulling out of the station and on it are her unborn grandchildren

Amnesiac: Hi Mum
Mother: Hiya
Amnesiac: Mum, I met a bloke the other day who looks exactly like my ex boyfriend Jon
Mother: Oh! Snap him up immediately!
Amnesiac: He is 22
Mother: Shame
Amnesiac: Mum my blogger mate Basil is moving to London from New York. We are just friends. Do you have any ideas about reasonably priced places to stay while he looks for a place? We are just friends. He can afford something decent cos he works in advertising. We are just friends
Mother: How old is he?
Amnesiac: [dread starting] his mid-thirties I think? Why?
Mother: Is he Egyptian?
Amnesiac: Yes and also American and we are just friends
Amnesiac: Mum we are justttttt friendsssssssss. Anyway I thought you wanted me to marry a "nice Englishman"?
Mother: I do, but I'm beginning to despair of you


Ki said...

I just saw that program....And had the exact same thoughts as your mother.Strange.
We ma esmahash "friends"...esmaha "zamayel" law sama7ti.

Seneferu said...

Very funny:)

Basil Fawlty said...

I'm a pilot and I read, so give that boy a chance.

Ok, I'm not really a pilot but since 9/11 most Americans imagine all middle-eastern men to be potential pilots..:)

Eventuality said...

Heeey what's with all the pilot stereotypes...I happen to actually KNOW pilots who read and aren't womanizers...yeah right! :) No seriously some pilots do read (not sure about the womanizing though) give the guy a chance :)

Forsoothsayer said...

dude why can't u ask him yourself if he reads? besides, i know some readers who are total cuntbags.

Amnesiac said...

Ki: Cos 'colleagues' surrounds odd in English, and nothing would deter her anyway.

Seneferu: Ta

Basil: Even your being a potential 'pilot' would not put my mother off, I don't think.

Even and Forsooth: Yes I know I am making huge generalisations about pilots. Essentially I am just hoping that one day someone will say 'Amnesiac! I've found the perfect prospect: he's a cat-loving, newspaper and book-reading, Hany Adel lookalike, music buff comedian who likes slightly neurotic women and is handy with household DIY tasks.'

Basil Fawlty said...

You know what they say: pilots make smoother approaches..

I think you're being perfectly reasonable asking if he reads. That would at least give you a measure of assurance that you both inhabit the same planet.

Unless, of course, he's hung like a trojan horse in which case I suggest you do whatever it takes to nab him, including feigning illiteracy.