Assorted MSN conversations this week
1. A grave undertaking
Mother: I haven't got much news apart from wanting you to come home at the earliest possible opportunity
Mother: I have to go now, there is a programme on telly about Muslim undertakers in London I must watch. You never know when we might need one
Mother: I'll speak to you in an hour
2. Pilot project
Cousin Mildred: I have the perfect prospect for you!
Cousin Mildred: he is a pilot.
Amnesiac: does he read books?
Cousin Mildred: Amnesiac reading books is not the most important thing. I will introduce you to him casually in the club when he comes back from NEW YORK
Cousin Mildred: he is tall
Cousin Mildred: with fair skin and dark hair keda
Cousin Mildred: very quiet, very well educated
Amnesiac: I don't think pilots are known to be big book readers. Apart from flight manuals I mean.
Cousin Mildred: very good family and he drives a BMW
Amnesiac: Is it possible to ask him if he reads books beforehand?
3. She can see the train pulling out of the station and on it are her unborn grandchildren
Amnesiac: Hi Mum
Amnesiac: Mum, I met a bloke the other day who looks exactly like my ex boyfriend Jon
Mother: Oh! Snap him up immediately!
Amnesiac: He is 22
Amnesiac: Mum my blogger mate Basil is moving to London from New York. We are just friends. Do you have any ideas about reasonably priced places to stay while he looks for a place? We are just friends. He can afford something decent cos he works in advertising. We are just friends
Mother: How old is he?
Amnesiac: [dread starting] erm...in his mid-thirties I think? Why?
Mother: Is he Egyptian?
Amnesiac: Yes and also American and we are just friends
Mother: Oh! Well SNAP HIM UP IMMEDIATELY THEN
Amnesiac: Mum we are justttttt friendsssssssss. Anyway I thought you wanted me to marry a "nice Englishman"?
Mother: I do, but I'm beginning to despair of you