30 year report card: Amnesiac
As your child is now approaching the halfway mark in the marathon which is her life, we are issuing you with a report card which details her progress and marks so far. We hope you will find it both informative, and an improvement on her last assessment 15 years ago when you were told by Amnesiac’s geography teacher that she was “a pain in the behind.”
Mathematics - D
Since Amnesiac is barely able to count we are pleased that she has made it this far without inadvertently entering into a fiscal agreement reneging on which would result in her house (your house Um Amnesiac), her parents, or herself being seized by the bank in forfeit of such an agreement.
Amnesiac is making no attempt whatsoever to complete the basic numeracy exercises we have set her, and it is this we think which explains her apparent nonchalance about the fact that she has 3 pounds L.E in her Egyptian bank account, and 5 pounds sterling in her UK account. We are beginning to have concerns that she does not understand the concept of money.
Economics - E
We have been using pictures to explain the idea of ‘saving for a rainy day’ to Amnesiac, but the idea remains alien to her. She justifies her habit of buying books with the last ten pounds in her pocket by claims that they are an ‘investment’ and necessary for work. When asked how these books translate into an ability to pay bills, she attempts to dodge the question by pointing out that she never buys shoes or handbags ‘like other women.’
We are hoping that the concept of saving will become clearer to Amnesiac once she actually finds employment.
Foreign languages- C
Amnesiac puts 100 percent effort into her language lessons, but despite this her performance remains poor, and she is barely comprehensible. She has not been discouraged however, and gamely practises her pidgin Arabic with anyone who does not escape fast enough. She is generally attentive and alert in the classroom, and is not discouraged by her classmates’ sniggers.
Amnesiac finds pronunciation particularly challenging, but when corrected claims that she is not in fact speaking Arabic, but ‘Sarabic’ and that in fact it is we (fellow pupils, teachers and the world generally) who are wrong, rather than her. She also relies on this excuse to justify her frequent lapse into profanities which we discussed with you after her latest detention.
History - Result still outstanding pending resolution of challenge to last result initiated by Amnesiac
Amnesiac’s complete inability to remember dates and events of any sort would not be a problem were it not for the fact that she insists on making reference to past events in support of points she makes during arguments. This has proved particularly problematic with one of her classmates, the Pig, who displays a level of obstinacy equal to that of Amnesiac. We are frequently forced to seat them at opposite ends of the classroom because their bickering has proved to be a disruptive influence. Even when separated however, they continue to argue in a loud stage whisper, and we were forced last week to make Amnesiac stand outside the headmaster’s office after the Pig accused her of fabrication, and she retorted by saying that it wasn’t fabrication, but rather ‘historical revisionism,’ and if George Bush can do it why can’t she? She then punched the Pig.
Physical education - N/A
Amnesiac now refuses to do sport of any kind claiming that it would exacerbate her rugby knee injury – which as we understand it, was comprehensively dealt with two years ago. During P.E she watches the boys play football in their shorts and ranks them in order of best legs, while eating Marmite sandwiches.
Logic and moral reasoning
Amnesiac has yet to pass the entrance examination necessary for acceptance on this course.
Note from headmaster
Amnesiac has at times demonstrated signs of her potential over the past 30 years, but it is still not yet possible to say conclusively that these incidents were not mere blips in an otherwise consistent pattern of mediocrity/disaster.
She is generally a pleasure to teach, but we have noticed that her behaviour becomes erratic, odd and at times quasi-psychopathic during one week of each month. We have discovered that allowing Amnesiac to watch episodes of Nip/Tuck in the school basement with the lights out while ensuring zero contact with human beings of any description relieves these symptoms.
Targets for the next 30 years
1 – Amnesiac should strive to find a job before the age of retirement.
2 – We have suggested that if she didn’t insist on being so obstreperous and insisting that pink is grey when it is in fact pink, she would improve her chances of finding a husband and giving her parents grandchildren, which as Um Amnesiac has made clear to her, is what she was put on this earth to do.
3 – Amnesiac should work towards being a grown-up instead of acting like a teenage boy. We have suggested that she attend class 101 ‘life skills’ which cover such things as; receiving money and taking it to the bank without spending it en route, hosting dinner parties for more than one person, talking to strangers without causing great offence, and removing wine stains from other people’s white sofas without being caught.