Saturday, December 16, 2006

A recipe

Egyptian cinema souffle

- 150 people
- 140 mobiles, all turned on with ringing volume on ‘loud’
- 140 Moustafa Qamar ringtones (if it is not the season for Moustafa Qamar, this ingredient may be substituted with Amr Diab at any time, and Hisham Abbas’ el asmaa el 7osina ringtone during the Eid)
- 1 six year old, preferably one with the capability to concentrate on the film but unable to comprehend anything without constantly questioning baba what is going on in the loudest voice possible
- 1 newborn with colic
- 2 toddlers (for added piquancy the toddlers should just have drank drunk [correction by Abu Amnesiac] three bottles of Cola each)
- 6 teenage boys going through puberty
- 6 teenage girls going through puberty. Important note: because these last two ingredients do not mix well together, they should be seated as far apart as possible. You will find however that they will still try to communicate either through giggles, or ringing each other.
- 3 ushers, ushers should have the stamina to be able to hover next to customers who have been shown their seats and whisper ‘ay 7’edma tanya ya bey?’ until they have extracted at least pound. This should go on until the end of the film if necessary.
- 1 pair of women ‘whispering’ about how Nancy Agram is ‘3assal’
- 1 pair of men ‘whispering’ about how Nancy Agram is a ‘mozza’
- 10 people who arrive twenty minutes into the film, and force an entire row to stand up as they pass
- 1 woman forced to stand for the 10 people trying to get past her, who loses her mobile in the process, and after noisily looking for it makes her husband ring her in order to locate it.
- 1 argument between this husband and wife
- 1 film projector, preferably mounted at a 40 degree angle
- Subtitles. Note that any subtitles will do, they do not necessarily have to bear any relation to the film itself. For a special flourish, why not try adding French subtitles? This will ensure that both Arabic and French subtitles combined take over half the screen and completely obscure the film.
- 1 intermission, preferably at the most crucial moment in the film.

A film.

Method of preparation
Combine all the ingredients and leave to stew for 90 minutes if making the soufflé American style, and two and half hours if you prefer the Egyptian version of this dish.

**Note: Regardless of whether you are making the American or Egyptian version of this dish, in no case should you add scenes of a sexual nature, since this risks making the entire soufflé collapse and could possibly bring about the moral ruination of your kitchen. Should you discover something of an adult nature in your raw ingredients, make sure to extract it even if in the process you ruin the film.

1 comment:

Zee Puppette said...

lol =D it really sounds so familiar! Good one there ;o)